50 Years

50 Years
by higman

To say that some journeys in life, specifically traumatic ones, take just a “you can get over it” mentality is a beautiful sentiment. Yet some are not the size of a speedbump. Some are not even seemingly passable. For those that are not, I offer this advice. Listen to what is most therapeutic towards healing. If what you have to face that has broken you scares you to fix, then do it in babysteps. But do it. If it’s confusing, then chase down that rabbit hole, get help, and knock down barriers. But do it. You owe it to yourself to fix that that has broken inside you. Everything is possible to fix.

There are those that are closest to you that may not understand during the process, yet others may stand by you. You may be surprised at who has your best interests in mind. Unconditional love is rare even with those that may have vowed it. This is not about them or anyone else but about getting to the bottom of what has chained your own life down. Many may be blessed enough to never have had such debilitating experiences. Yet for those that have, anyday is a good day to begin the healing. If not then tomorrow, but do it, you owe it to yourself.

50 years ago I started such a journey. Almost 50 years ago there was such a dramatic shift in my childhood that would effect me all my life. It wasn’t the event but a final chapter in what was a very puzzle like story. One where the details will still pop up occasionally. They only help to fill in the pages of that chapter now. 50 years later, I can reflect back with pride and sorrow, triumph and acceptance, clarity and perspective, that I willinging chose to face soberly and humbly these last few years.

Those that are aware of the details only know of the trajedy of a passing of a beloved woman, my mother. That was but the second to the last chapter of her life. The end being after her passing, her children lived on. However the story that preceded it spoke of a woman who had overcame obstacles with faith and perseverence. End result was a horrific accident that would eventuelly claim her life. An accident that both her and I were in. It’s taken me 50 years to piece together what blew apart my reality that day. Only to realize that it was just the climax of what was a chain of dysfunctional childhood settings. It has taken many years for me to get past them but I had to put them in their place in my life. Like her, and as her youngest son, I too chose to survive, working through obstacles, circumstances and convictions.
Not by myself, but for myself, for the simple belief of there must be a purpose. There must be a reasoning behind my thinking which seems skewed at times.

It’s taken me 50 years to put things into that perspective. Where I may feel that it is too slow of a pace, I have to remind myself that others never see healing in a lifetime. My mother never got the chance and she tried for years prior to the accident. My perspective started with we are all a work in progress. The question is do we actually work at that progress for ourselves. If we did, there might be a little bit more help for others in the world.

We all have it in us. Some more clearer than others but we all have that purpose in life. Yet when it becomes such that it’s been taken from us, even then reasoning for going on, or even holding on for on more day becomes sureal, unobtainable, any measure to fix yourself is a challange.
But you got this!

My struggle is minor compared to many I have met, but it is mine and the only tangible experience I have to work with. What has been paralyzing to me, I have had to face, head on, to understand its nature, for my own sake. I hated to be so narcissistic but as they say only I could fix myself no one else could do it for me. Even after 50 years, there are days I have to remind myself I got this. I’ve never felt in my life as a victim as much as a survivor but that never gave me no more understanding to my purpose in life as I knew it.

Where everyone has a “just don’t worry” attitude, mine was one of unacceptable behavior. Not understanding are putting things in perspective what had happened in the past became unacceptable to me. I was tired I’m having such a confusion about the past. Now knowing that it was a chain of events like observing a separation, infidelity, substance abuse, having a household ripped apart and taken away at Christmas time, unstable relocations, then surviving a car accident, all had a dramatic effect on a childs first 7 years of life. It wasn’t until I was able to break down the walls of PTSD and blocked memories that the winds of peace cleared the air of and about me. How and why I react to situations, work ethic, understanding relationships, and the simple drive to my everyday purpose became much more clearer. Though it cost me dearly in relationships and even a marriage to one I believed would have understood the most, I live now, and just as simple as that. I can truly say I am living now. There was, is, & always will be hope.

So if I can hang in there for 50 or more years kicking down doors and wrestling out truths from confusion and lies, you can hang in there for the next 50 seconds, minutes, hours of what you are going through.
You can do this.

And while you are, please do one thing for me. Examine yourself. Be honest with those fears, those chains and quirky drives you carry that make you, you. Work on them, one at a time. Make aware to those near you your need to clear the mental clutter for your ownsake. Keep in mind, many may not get it, but there are those that do. Just like many are in denial with their own habits and others have broke their chains.
When you do, be brutally honest with yourself. Anything to do with trauma, ptsd, abuse, even those events out of our control that have smeared pages of your own life will become readable again. You got this. It’s your story after all. Who better to proof read it but you. Then share it with those that need to hear it.

(The significance behind 50 years. I kind of debated on what to actually call this piece but then I was brought around to the simple scripture verse, love is patient. 50 years may seem like a long time. However healing takes as long as it’s needed. The opening of the wound before its time over and over again results in scarring. There are many things in our life that can happen to us that wound us. Left unattended it may or may not heal on its own. If it does heal on its own there is a time where it is still vulnerable to being opened. Many things in life reopen those wounds that are of the mental and spiritual nature. The point at 50 years was a mark for me. I can only hope that the reader learns to overcome ignorance and tend to their wounds soundly. But as his love is patient, do not rush it but tend to it with open eyes and do and try not to be anxious for it takes time to heal as well.)